I remained calm and collected as I defended myself. I was being attacked for minor errors, errors I had rectified once they had been addressed and errors that hadn’t even endured. I am open to constructive criticism, however this was something completely different. I felt like I was an outsider looking in; the interpretation of my performance did not match the reality of the situation.
The learning curve I was promised became a myth. I was never given any legitimate guidance or feedback and all the contributions I had made were not recognized. I had supposedly isolated myself in a corner from the start, I was looked in the eye and told I was welcomed with open arms and I wasn’t. The only welcome I received was from the cold air hitting me when I first entered the room. It was probably a warning for what was to come!
I made a conscious effort to greet everyone each day and it was often one sided, but I still continued to do so. The friendly environment I expected only emerged when outsiders were present. After all the probing, I was the one that allegedly had the problem. I had to escape!
The journey home that day was a blur. I was lost in my thoughts, it was as if I was on an empty train. The sequence of events that had taken place felt so unreal. I thought why me? Day one started to make sense, there were empty desks for a reason. I clearly wasn’t the only one that had been put through this ordeal.
There was only one other in the same boat as me; the last man standing. I watched as he had his confidence knocked each day. He quickly picked himself up and kept going. In any other situation I would say good on him, but if you were in my shoes you would wonder why he didn’t run with me.
I call this experience ‘The Great Escape’. I wish I could retract this whole chapter- The lesson learned here is to always follow my instincts! I knew something was wrong from the start, but I tried to convince myself otherwise.
I started writing this post a few weeks ago, I was inspired by Anastasia’s post Lightbringer. Have a little read, you will understand the connection… I hope! I found her post thought provoking and I immediately started to think about taking risks and the fear of rejection. I love the ending in particular.
For as long as I can remember, you have always tried your hardest to be a part of my life. You were always the unwanted guest that insisted on staying beyond your non-existent welcome. I stupidly let you stay and you admittedly corrupted my thoughts. You would whisper in my ear right before I had plucked up enough courage to take action; implying that it was almost impossible for me to succeed and I believed you!
In the past you made it seem like hearing the word ‘No’ was the worst thing in the world. Instead of encouraging me to go ahead and take risks; you somehow convinced me to take a back seat and watch… Watch possibly the best thing that could ever happen to me, happen to someone else or not happen at all! Unfortunately, I’m now left with a heap of what if’s.
I now realise that there is a 50/50 chance of hearing ‘No’ and a 50/50 chance of hearing ‘Yes’. No one likes being rejected; however rejection is a part of life! I hear the word ‘No’ all the time and it is inevitable that I will hear it again! The same goes for hearing the word ‘Yes’! I’ve learned that I will never know the outcome unless I go for it and who knows I may be pleasantly surprised.
I’ve always told myself that I would never allow anyone to have control over me, then right before my eyes you somehow managed to manipulate my thoughts. I often wonder how life would have been if I hadn’t met you or if I had stood up to you sooner. Your visits are less frequent nowadays, I don’t feel obliged to open the door to you anymore and I’m starting to think that you get the picture.
So Fear, how will you attempt to obstruct my thoughts today? You won’t! I won’t let you interfere anymore, you have caused enough damage! Please understand that you are no longer welcome here.